This week for @mnomquah’s Cycles of Self ShadowWorkOctober challenge, we’re asked to do two reflections after having done the True Heart Spread. The second of our reflections is on the topic “What parts of myself do I struggle to integrate, accept, and transform?”
This is an interesting question, and I didn’t have an immediate answer for it. After thinking for a while, I’ve identified a few things.
- Need for company- I’m an introvert, a pretty strong one, but at the same time I very much need and like having one or maybe two other people around. I don’t even necessarily want to interact with them all the time, but I like the shared experience of having another person there to bounce ideas and thoughts off of, and to discuss whatever it is we’re doing. It took me a long time to recognize this, because I am so avidly an introvert in other ways: I need my alone time, I find “socializing” (ie: in groups, or at events) to be exhausting, etc. But I get lonely very easily, and I work best in teams. It’s hard, though, to find partners-in-crime or compatriots for everything.
- Mutability- I’m a triple earth Grand Trine as my Sun/Moon/Rising- no one craves a plan and stability more than I do. However, four of my outer planets are in Sagittarius, and my sun is in Virgo, so I have a whole lot of mutability going on, and it’s taken me a very long time to discover that I do better when I’m riding the flow rather than fighting it. This is a hard thing for me to internalize, though, because there’s the other part of me that so desperately wants to drive the cart at a steady speed, ticking off the miles to the destination, and marking them down on the topographical grid as we go. I do think the more that I can find the space where my calendars and to-do’s and bullet journal channel the flow, rather than try to dam it, the better I’ll be.
- Laziness- Most humans have a certain level of inherent laziness, because it’s evolutionarily beneficial to us; gather all your food, eat it, fuck, and then lay on the couch. Save your energy, and use it to either eat more or produce offspring. However, as someone who wants to Do Things, I often really hate myself for the amount of time I “waste”. Of course, this fails to recognize that most people have a real need for R&R, so I need to learn how to make time for laziness, and then have it be finished when that time is up, instead of being ambushed by it, and it then lingering in my way for a long time.